Saturday, December 22, 2012


I'm awake. It seems an odd time but here I am so I guess I'll write a little in hopes I will be able to get a little more sleep.

Yesterday was a good day. I was able to do quite a bit including a trip in the car to get my daughter from her dad. I'm glad she is here to spend the next week with us. I have missed her a ton. We missed out seeing her last weekend because I was in the hospital and not able to go get her.

How do I explain this disease to an eight year old? You'd think it would be easy. I've told her her new brother or sister is making me really sick and explained I'm on lots of medication. But is that a good explanation? I'm not sure. It's hard for her to grasp the concept.

Yesterday I was able to eat quite a bit. I'm happy for having an up day but I'm still scared. Maybe this nightmare is coming to an end. Maybe soon I'll be over the hump and able to enjoy this pregnancy!

But I know I will never fully enjoy it. I live in constant fear now. Fear this ugly beast will rear its nasty head and all will come crashing down around me. It's not uncommon for a lull followed by more weeks and months of heartache. I find it easier to hope for a good outcome but expect a bad one. If I expect a good outcome and am let down I think my spirit would be crushed.

I'm not sure how to fully recover from this disease called HG or if I even can. I'm part of a club of women nobody wanted to join and the toll it takes on us, body and mind, is great. If you've never been there, it's hard to relate to us. Our only support is each other. We rely on our spouses to get us through but that's only for survival. For understanding we reach out to one another. We share our crazy medication lists in hopes what has worked for one person might work for another. It's really just grasping at straws though...everyone is so different and my cocktail only seems to be effective for me.

The next week scares me. Going to family functions has taken a back burner to surviving. I hope I make it through the one I have committed to. If not I guess we will leave early. I can only hope people understand. I've become a hermit. Isolated and alone from the world save my husband and children. My "friends" don't email. They don't text. Or call. They don't leave notes on my Facebook asking how I am. It's funny, they say in times of hardship you find out who your true friends are. And I have. Not that I'm surprised by this; the world often works this way. But it would be nice if it didn't. It would be nice to be included in invitations even if the answer to the invitation is no as they expected. They say it's the thought that counts and it's a true statement. But people don't seem to understand that concept. Perhaps it's that they do understand and just don't care. Maybe all they see is me not reaching out. Well right now I'm busy surviving. I don't have the strength to reach out. Struggling to get through each day is the best I can do.

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