Saturday, December 8, 2012

Hills and Valleys

Made it through the day without vomiting! It's sad I consider this a good day. I've been extremely nauseated today and a few times I thought I was going to lose it but I managed not to. I broke down tonight and took a phenergan so I could make it through my husband's "cousinpalooza." It was good to have a big group of family all in one place!

I'd like to touch a little on the hills and valleys this ride can take. Up days make me feel like I'm crazy and I'm just being a baby sometimes. I think, "maybe I'm exaggerating. Maybe this isn't that bad!" Down days make me so depressed I start thinking irrationally.

Let me make one thing clear: this baby is very much wanted. I count this as a blessing from God. I love my baby and cannot wait to meet him or her.

I make that disclaimer because the next part is dark. The darkest I've ever thought. I have prayed for a miscarriage. I have contemplated termination. This is completely irrational. I know it is. But this is my nightmare. My body is failing. Most days I barely drink anything. I eat even less. I have gone into "starvation mode" at least once. All because I'm pregnant. The end is not here and the medicines barely manage the symptoms. I can't imagine what it would be like without them...with them life is barely tolerable. This disease plays tricks on my mind. I think things like "if I weren't pregnant this would be over."

Today I would consider a hill day. I didn't throw up, just gagged a couple times and felt queasy all day long. I try not to put hope in another day being that way because if I do and it's a valley day I don't think I could handle it.

I live in constant fear. Fear of nausea. Fear of being sick. Fear that I am going to harm my baby because my body is producing too many ketones. But if I don't feel like eating or drinking I just can't force myself. If I do I see it again a few minutes later.

I am so glad I got to spend time with family today. Life is precious and spending it with those we love is so important. We never know how much time we get on this earth so while we are here we must cherish every second!

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