On this last day of 2012 I can only hope that with the new year comes a new lease on life for me. My body is slowly giving out on me. I spend 16+ hours in bed. I have little to no interest with interaction involving the outside world. The only people I talk to on the phone are my mom and brother. On top of HG I have a cold and can barely breathe. I'm ready for a fresh year and hopefully a fresh outlook on life!
I know it's too much to expect but I keep hoping I will wake up and this debilitating disease will be over. That I'll be miraculously healed and life will be normal again. It's too much. Too much to go through this existence that's hardly any existence at all. I'm able to keep food and drink down but only because I take two different medications four times a day each. Every three hours I'm taking something. It scares me to think that if I miss them...sometimes even if I'm just a bit late...I'll get sick. The dread of being sick rules my life. I'm tired and ready to give up.
So I really hope the new year at least provides me with a better look at things and the willpower to go on for five more months.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
In for the long haul.
Had a doctor's appointment today. My daughter got to hear baby's heartbeat. She thought that was pretty cool! She never got to go to any prenatal appointments with her brother because she was always in school.
My OB told me today in his experience if it doesn't leave at the end of 12 weeks you can expect HG to last until 18 weeks. If it doesn't leave then it usually sticks around the whole pregnancy. I will be 15 weeks on Saturday and I'm still deep in the throes of extreme nausea and occasionally vomiting. My meds are managing to keep food and liquid in my system but I can't say much more for them. This beast is adaptive to say the least! What works this week may not work next week. We've switched my supportive med from reglan to compazine. Hoping maybe that will offer a bit more relief during the time when my phenergan is wearing off.
We get to play what my husband calls "picture pages" at our next appointment. Looks like I'll have at least two more ultrasounds before this is done. That's their only definitive way of checking to make sure the baby is growing properly.
It's funny not to hear my doctor lecturing me about proper diet! Last time he went on and on about it. This time it's all about survival and eating whatever I think I can keep down.
I'm fighting off a cold and it has made my throat quite raw. I think I'm going to attempt making some soup for dinner. Off to make my attempt!!
My OB told me today in his experience if it doesn't leave at the end of 12 weeks you can expect HG to last until 18 weeks. If it doesn't leave then it usually sticks around the whole pregnancy. I will be 15 weeks on Saturday and I'm still deep in the throes of extreme nausea and occasionally vomiting. My meds are managing to keep food and liquid in my system but I can't say much more for them. This beast is adaptive to say the least! What works this week may not work next week. We've switched my supportive med from reglan to compazine. Hoping maybe that will offer a bit more relief during the time when my phenergan is wearing off.
We get to play what my husband calls "picture pages" at our next appointment. Looks like I'll have at least two more ultrasounds before this is done. That's their only definitive way of checking to make sure the baby is growing properly.
It's funny not to hear my doctor lecturing me about proper diet! Last time he went on and on about it. This time it's all about survival and eating whatever I think I can keep down.
I'm fighting off a cold and it has made my throat quite raw. I think I'm going to attempt making some soup for dinner. Off to make my attempt!!
Monday, December 24, 2012
Blessed.
Today I am going to focus on the positive. I have a supportive family who doesn't think I'm crazy. I have two great kids who are the light of my life. I have a husband who has taken care of me through all the ups and downs of this disease. Nothing says love like holding your hair while you throw up!
I hope everyone has a very Merry and blessed Christmas! Enjoy this day and tomorrow as we celebrate the birth of our Savior.
I hope everyone has a very Merry and blessed Christmas! Enjoy this day and tomorrow as we celebrate the birth of our Savior.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Setback
I overdid it yesterday. Too much out and about and I spent the evening in bed feeling horrible. I threw up for the first time in days.
My husband said he was glad I did so much. That I gave all I had to my family. I try to see it from that perspective but it's hard. Now I don't feel like getting out of bed.
I know I need to eat but nothing sounds good. I feel like I'm back to square one with the appetite vs knowing I need nourishment battle. I don't want to get sick. The thought of throwing up scares me now. It equals my body not being good enough...not being strong like it needs to be for the baby. I doubt that's rational but it's how I feel.
I was 14 weeks as of yesterday. Supposedly the majority of HG women see relief somewhere in the next two weeks. I hope I'm one of those women! This setback last night has me filled with doubt that this nightmare will end anytime soon.
My husband said he was glad I did so much. That I gave all I had to my family. I try to see it from that perspective but it's hard. Now I don't feel like getting out of bed.
I know I need to eat but nothing sounds good. I feel like I'm back to square one with the appetite vs knowing I need nourishment battle. I don't want to get sick. The thought of throwing up scares me now. It equals my body not being good enough...not being strong like it needs to be for the baby. I doubt that's rational but it's how I feel.
I was 14 weeks as of yesterday. Supposedly the majority of HG women see relief somewhere in the next two weeks. I hope I'm one of those women! This setback last night has me filled with doubt that this nightmare will end anytime soon.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Thoughts
I'm awake. It seems an odd time but here I am so I guess I'll write a little in hopes I will be able to get a little more sleep.
Yesterday was a good day. I was able to do quite a bit including a trip in the car to get my daughter from her dad. I'm glad she is here to spend the next week with us. I have missed her a ton. We missed out seeing her last weekend because I was in the hospital and not able to go get her.
How do I explain this disease to an eight year old? You'd think it would be easy. I've told her her new brother or sister is making me really sick and explained I'm on lots of medication. But is that a good explanation? I'm not sure. It's hard for her to grasp the concept.
Yesterday I was able to eat quite a bit. I'm happy for having an up day but I'm still scared. Maybe this nightmare is coming to an end. Maybe soon I'll be over the hump and able to enjoy this pregnancy!
But I know I will never fully enjoy it. I live in constant fear now. Fear this ugly beast will rear its nasty head and all will come crashing down around me. It's not uncommon for a lull followed by more weeks and months of heartache. I find it easier to hope for a good outcome but expect a bad one. If I expect a good outcome and am let down I think my spirit would be crushed.
I'm not sure how to fully recover from this disease called HG or if I even can. I'm part of a club of women nobody wanted to join and the toll it takes on us, body and mind, is great. If you've never been there, it's hard to relate to us. Our only support is each other. We rely on our spouses to get us through but that's only for survival. For understanding we reach out to one another. We share our crazy medication lists in hopes what has worked for one person might work for another. It's really just grasping at straws though...everyone is so different and my cocktail only seems to be effective for me.
The next week scares me. Going to family functions has taken a back burner to surviving. I hope I make it through the one I have committed to. If not I guess we will leave early. I can only hope people understand. I've become a hermit. Isolated and alone from the world save my husband and children. My "friends" don't email. They don't text. Or call. They don't leave notes on my Facebook asking how I am. It's funny, they say in times of hardship you find out who your true friends are. And I have. Not that I'm surprised by this; the world often works this way. But it would be nice if it didn't. It would be nice to be included in invitations even if the answer to the invitation is no as they expected. They say it's the thought that counts and it's a true statement. But people don't seem to understand that concept. Perhaps it's that they do understand and just don't care. Maybe all they see is me not reaching out. Well right now I'm busy surviving. I don't have the strength to reach out. Struggling to get through each day is the best I can do.
Yesterday was a good day. I was able to do quite a bit including a trip in the car to get my daughter from her dad. I'm glad she is here to spend the next week with us. I have missed her a ton. We missed out seeing her last weekend because I was in the hospital and not able to go get her.
How do I explain this disease to an eight year old? You'd think it would be easy. I've told her her new brother or sister is making me really sick and explained I'm on lots of medication. But is that a good explanation? I'm not sure. It's hard for her to grasp the concept.
Yesterday I was able to eat quite a bit. I'm happy for having an up day but I'm still scared. Maybe this nightmare is coming to an end. Maybe soon I'll be over the hump and able to enjoy this pregnancy!
But I know I will never fully enjoy it. I live in constant fear now. Fear this ugly beast will rear its nasty head and all will come crashing down around me. It's not uncommon for a lull followed by more weeks and months of heartache. I find it easier to hope for a good outcome but expect a bad one. If I expect a good outcome and am let down I think my spirit would be crushed.
I'm not sure how to fully recover from this disease called HG or if I even can. I'm part of a club of women nobody wanted to join and the toll it takes on us, body and mind, is great. If you've never been there, it's hard to relate to us. Our only support is each other. We rely on our spouses to get us through but that's only for survival. For understanding we reach out to one another. We share our crazy medication lists in hopes what has worked for one person might work for another. It's really just grasping at straws though...everyone is so different and my cocktail only seems to be effective for me.
The next week scares me. Going to family functions has taken a back burner to surviving. I hope I make it through the one I have committed to. If not I guess we will leave early. I can only hope people understand. I've become a hermit. Isolated and alone from the world save my husband and children. My "friends" don't email. They don't text. Or call. They don't leave notes on my Facebook asking how I am. It's funny, they say in times of hardship you find out who your true friends are. And I have. Not that I'm surprised by this; the world often works this way. But it would be nice if it didn't. It would be nice to be included in invitations even if the answer to the invitation is no as they expected. They say it's the thought that counts and it's a true statement. But people don't seem to understand that concept. Perhaps it's that they do understand and just don't care. Maybe all they see is me not reaching out. Well right now I'm busy surviving. I don't have the strength to reach out. Struggling to get through each day is the best I can do.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
A triumph and a test
Trying something new today. The Prima Bella bracelet. It sends an electric pulse through the nerves to the emetic center of the brain to try and restore the stomach to a normal rhythm therefore taking away the nausea. We're using it in conjunction with the phenergan and reglan.
It has been one of those days. I woke up feeling sick and it hasn't let up much since. The bracelet seems to help some but it certainly isn't taking everything away. I know at this point there is no miracle cure but it would sure be nice to have some relief.
Thankfully I am eating and drinking enough that my body isn't breaking down anymore. Yay! Not only does this mean I don't have to be hospitalized it also means baby should be getting the things needed to grow. We won't know for sure until the 20 week anatomy scan but the fact that I'm able to keep food and water down is a real blessing. Some women cannot and end up with feeding tubes and constant IVs. I'm so thankful I have a moderate case of HG.
It has been one of those days. I woke up feeling sick and it hasn't let up much since. The bracelet seems to help some but it certainly isn't taking everything away. I know at this point there is no miracle cure but it would sure be nice to have some relief.
Thankfully I am eating and drinking enough that my body isn't breaking down anymore. Yay! Not only does this mean I don't have to be hospitalized it also means baby should be getting the things needed to grow. We won't know for sure until the 20 week anatomy scan but the fact that I'm able to keep food and water down is a real blessing. Some women cannot and end up with feeding tubes and constant IVs. I'm so thankful I have a moderate case of HG.
Monday, December 17, 2012
A number
130. Three months ago I would have rejoiced at that number. Today it's just another reminder of the failure my body has become. 12 pounds lost. Who knows if there will be more.
I got out of bed before noon today. This is an accomplishment...my husband will attest to that. I actually have decent clothes on. Again, an accomplishment. Hasn't happened since before I went to the hospital. Our goal is the grocery store. I may end up doing something I never dreamed I would and riding one of those electric scooters. Walking takes energy. Energy I don't have.
Play time with my son consists of him climbing on my bed and playing with his trains or stuffed animals. It's all I can manage. It makes me sad some days. Other days I'm grateful I get to play with him at all!
I live in constant fear I'm hurting my baby. My lack of adequate nutrition is bad. I just keep praying the baby will be healthy and ok. It's all I can do.
I've been crocheting a blanket for my wee one since it doesn't require much effort. It helps take my mind off things.
Now I'm off to try and make a success of this day. I pray it works!
I got out of bed before noon today. This is an accomplishment...my husband will attest to that. I actually have decent clothes on. Again, an accomplishment. Hasn't happened since before I went to the hospital. Our goal is the grocery store. I may end up doing something I never dreamed I would and riding one of those electric scooters. Walking takes energy. Energy I don't have.
Play time with my son consists of him climbing on my bed and playing with his trains or stuffed animals. It's all I can manage. It makes me sad some days. Other days I'm grateful I get to play with him at all!
I live in constant fear I'm hurting my baby. My lack of adequate nutrition is bad. I just keep praying the baby will be healthy and ok. It's all I can do.
I've been crocheting a blanket for my wee one since it doesn't require much effort. It helps take my mind off things.
Now I'm off to try and make a success of this day. I pray it works!
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